My Frustration

Lately things have been hard. Weekend mornings have seemed worst. I just don’t have the cheerful mood that has previously helped me deal with the daily struggles of living in a wheelchair with a condition that gets worse. That is to say, I have experienced a lack of love, joy, peace on these mornings. And every time I had to ask for help to sort out something else, it troubled me. It bothered me that my life is so hard.

So I spent yesterday afternoon crying out to God. Initially I begged my Creator, “I’m just finding this so hard, please could you take me home to be with you.” To which he replied by sending me lunch and a happy time with friends.

When I was alone again, I explained my problem about so many troubles again. I repeated my question, about getting out of them. I reminded God he could heal me anytime if that was his will. But I reflected how much I dislike being prayed for and then nothing happens. God brought to mind a Christmas service I’d been to, where a man had been about to pray for me because he saw that I was in a wheelchair. But he stopped and thought about it, and then he said to me, “You must have a lot of faith to be in a wheelchaair.”

Finally, I simply cried. As the tears ran down my cheeks, I implored the Lord, “Jesus, I just need you to hug me. Please. It hurts so much.”

Shortly after this, I listened to a devotion on my phone. It was about observing creation. When I got to the verse, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26 NIV I thought: My body is broken. But what about Ukraine? The nation is broken, the families are broken. Many things are broken on this Earth. God’s heart beats for the broken. I remembered what God says about the whole creation being in bondage to decay until his children are revealed.

When my carer arrived, I was talking to her about this, and I said, “This life is not the end of the story. There is eternity yet.” She said, “Yes.”

Later in the afternoon I read what Jesus said just before he went to be killed on the cross. His words remind me whose example I follow. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42 NIV

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8‭-‬9 NIV

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